


The Arbiter's Choice

by gatty



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-05
Updated: 2011-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-23 10:45:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gatty/pseuds/gatty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is how they happened the first time around.</p><p>Written for the <a href="http://hs-olympics.livejournal.com/">Homestuck Shipping Olympics 2011</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Arbiter's Choice

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for [Round 2](http://hso-r2.livejournal.com/10066.html) of the Homestuck Shipping Olympics based around the theme of 'Shedding New Light' on canon elements. It placed 10th.
> 
> The story was written by gatty with art by Cephied_Variable.

  
>PYROPE: GET TROLLED BY THE IMPUDENT HUMAN

\-- trickedoutGodpuppet [TG] began pestering guiltlessCobalancer [GC] \--

  


TG: lolololllololololololollololoololollololololololololl  
TG: you’re all going to die  
TG: it’s like a prize  
TG: for these eyes  
TG: that spin such sick lies  
GC: wh4t?  
TG: can’t deny  
TG: got no alibi  
TG: not gonna cry  
TG: when you eat the pie  
TG: of death  
GC: ...  
GC: you 4r3 th3 str1d3r hum4n corr3ct?  
TG: nah you got the wrong chumhandle  
TG: im a cute junior at high school dd cup and lonely looking to chat  
GC: 4t my-pl4n3t-w4s-d3stroy3d h1gh?  
TG: thats the one  
TG: what are you wearing  
GC: t34l thong  
TG: nice  
GC: you?  
TG: red satin teddy  
TG: i can take it off if you put $100 in my paypal  
TG: help me pay for beauty school  
GC: t3mpt1ng but 1ll p4ss  
TG: shame

  


GC: 1 w4s w4rn3ed 4bout you  
TG: slander libel all those things  
GC: 1 d1dnt s4y wh4t 1 w4s w4rn3d 4bout y3t  
TG: oh was it my massive dong  
TG: because that should come with a warning label  
TG: beeping noise when I back out  
GC: nop3 but your3 pr4tty much fulf1ll1ng 4ll th31r pr3d1ct1ons  
TG: whatever  
TG: haters gonna hate  
TG: striders gonna stride  
TG: here let me introduce you to this man meat whirlwind whose presence is gracing your shitty little land of radioactivity and symbolism  
TG: <http://tinyurl.com/justpimpinallovertheplace>  
GC: wow  
TG: i know  
TG: no need to thank me  
GC: no 1 w4nt to  
GC: h4ng on  
GC: h3r3: <http://i55.tinypic.com/rm5pjp.png>  
TG: shit damn look at that  
TG: it looks like its got mould on it  
TG: and that the writing is mould  
TG: fuck  
GC: you’r3 w3lcom3  
TG: i think my eyes are bleeding colors  
GC: 1t 1s 4 troll d3l1c4cy  
GC: 1nst34d of your hum4n d34th p13 w3 3njoy hum1l14t1on c4k3  
TG: you and me girl lets start a bakery  
GC: ok cool l3t m3 sch3dul3 th4t 1n for n3xt tu3sd4y  
GC: 1m 4 b1t busy r1ght now try1ng to s4v3 th3 world  
TG: oh shit yeah i forgot for a moment  
TG: here i took a picture of me in the teddy  
TG: since youre about to die and all thought id show a girl a good time  
TG: last moments with your back against the wall rifles all lining up  
TG: then you click on this and ahhh you can face the inky void with a song in your heart and cum in your panties  
TG: <http://i54.tinypic.com/2hn6tdt.png>  
GC: ... >:\  
GC: why couldn’t 1 h4v3 gott3n th3 p4ss1v3 4ggr3ss1v3 on3  
TG: oh babe don’t be like that  
TG: i promise riding the strider train straight into miracleland is gonna be the best thing that ever happened to you  
GC: t4ll ord3r for 4 sm4ll hum4n boy  
GC: but 1 suppos3 th1s d4y c4nt g3t 4ny wors3  
TG: hey i have a name you know  
GC: oh? >:T  
TG: yeah but it’s kind of embrrassing so  
TG: you should just call me “bro”  
GC: bro 1t 1s th3n

  


\-- guiltlessCobalancer [GC] began trolling trickedoutGodpuppet [TG] \--

GC: bro  
GC: p3rh4ps you c4n b3 of som3 us3 to m3 4ft3r4ll  
GC: h4v3 you s33n my m3ntor?  
TG: what is this  
TG: fucking google  
TG: do it yourself  
GC: wh4t 1s googl3  
TG: magic font of all knowledge  
TG: you feed it porn and it belches out infonuggets straight into your eyeballs  
GC: th3 oth3r hum4ns h4v3 b33n v3ry k33n to t3ll m3 how str4ng3 4nd 4l13n 1 4m but 1 th1nk you would do w3ll from 4 long h4rd g4z3 1n th3 r3fl3ct1v3 p4n3l.  
TG: im looking  
TG: not seeing anything i don’t like  
GC: h4h4h4  
GC: good on3  
GC: your f1rst good on3 1n 4 wh1l3  
TG: hey  
TG: you surprised me  
TG: didnt give me time to prepare my best material  
GC: oh no pl34s3 w41t wh1l3 1 t4k3 b4ck my too too h4rsh words  
GC: ok don3 now t3ll m3 wh3r3 my m3ntor 1s?  
TG: i dont know do i  
TG: just look in the clouds  
GC: wh4t?  
TG: what do you mean what just look up dumbass  
GC: wh4t h4v3 th3 clouds got to do w1th 4nyth1ng?  
TG: are you shitting me  
TG: no surprise your game is so shit if you havnt even figured that out  
GC: h3y our g4m3’s not th4t b4d  
GC: you’r3 th3 on3 t4lk1ng to m3 from tr4pp3d on 4n 4st3ro1d  
TG: through no fault of our own  
TG: through your shitty session being shitty and shitting all over our fucking princely nobel prize winning session  
GC: y3s th3 oth4r hum4ns s41d th3 s4m3 th1ng  
GC: you’r3 wrong but th4t’s b3s1d3 th3 po1nt  
TG: ive been watching you guys  
TG: the only reason you arent all like dead in an epic clusterfuck somewhere is cause my dads out there fucking beating down unending rivers of turds that are floating your way  
TG: beating down the mighty cockbeast or whatever you called it with his sword

  


GC: 1s th4t som3 sort of s3xu4l 1nnu3ndo?  
TG: what  
TG: oh my god  
TG: no  
TG: jesus  
GC: h4h4h4  
TG: wait shit  
TG: stop that you cant troll me  
GC: r3sults show oth3r f1nd1ngs your honour  
TG: whatever shut that pointy troll mouth  
TG: youd be nothing without us  
TG: giving you maps and codes and shit  
GC: why 4r3 you do1ng th4t 4g41n? 1f you 4ll h4t3 us th4t much?  
TG: i dont know bored i guess  
TG: pretty boring up here  
TG: no cable  
TG: porn blocked on the internet  
GC: 1 s33  
GC: h4s your 4dult hum4n r3pr3s3nt4t1v3 s33n my m3ntor?

  


TG: how the fuck should i know  
TG: were not like  
TG: tweeting the magic fucking adventures of shit-for-brains troll land  
GC: ok4y f1n3 wh4t 4bout s3rk3t?  
GC: sh3’s not b33n 4nsw3r1ng for 4g3s  
TG: dead probably  
TG: thats all you guys seem to be good for  
TG: and not like even at the right time or anything  
TG: just like roadkill all smushed up at the side of the road  
GC: fuck you  
TG: what  
TG: im just helping you geez  
TG: laying some goddamn truths down at your hearth all warming up that quaint little abode  
TG: chintz doilies and knitted cats and shit  
TG: helping you face the reality that you guys suck  
GC: you just told m3 my fr13nds d13d l1k3 v3rm1n  
GC: why should 1 3v3r l1st3n to 4 word you s4y 4g41n  
TG: aww calm down dont get your panties in a bunch  
TG: im sure there fine wait let me look  
TG: okay there’s a short one with like no horns  
TG: hes okay  
TG: the leader one right  
TG: hey  
TG: dont fucking ignore me im helping you here  
TG: ... are you crying

  


TG: shit this is awkward  
GC: 1m not cry1ng 1 4m m3r3ly 3xpr3ss1ng my r3l13f through my f4c14l or4f1c3s  
TG: oh right is that was it is  
TG: looks a lot like crying to me but whatever  
TG: look if youre so fucking strapped for info i guess i could lead you to the next gate  
GC: 1 dont n33d your h3lp  
GC: 1 h4v3 no d3s1r3 to f33d your 3go  
TG: hey hey what is this  
GC: you m4y h4ve c3rt41n 4dv4nt4g3s ov3r m3 1n th3 pr3sent c1rcumst4nc3s but 1 4sssur3 you th1s 1mbalanc3 1s m3r3ly t3mpor4ry  
TG: haha dont think fancy words are gonna bother me  
TG: im sitting next to lalonde here  
GC: ohhh y3s th3 longw1nd3d on3  
GC: 1 just w4nt3d to po1nt out th4t you s33m k1nd4 k33n to prov3 just how sm4rt you 4r3  
GC: m4k3s 4 g1rl th1nk  
TG: well she can stop thinking  
GC: h4h4h4h4  
TG: do you want my fucking help or not  
GC: sur3  
GC: just dont go g3tt1ng 4ny 1d34s  
TG: about what  
GC: you know  
TG: what the hell  
GC: so wh3r3’s th1s g4t3?

  


> PYROPE: ANSWER THE OBNOXIOUS ALIEN

GC: 1m 4 b1t busy 1f you h4nt not1ced

  


GC: on my w4y to f1ght 4 d3n1z3n  
GC: not pr1m3 punk1ng-th3-troll-k1d-t1m3  
TG: you dont get the picture here do you  
TG: all times are prime punking time  
TG: in fact the more it gets in your way the better a time it is  
TG: okay fine no whats up  
TG: youre doing that whole  
TG: crumply face thing  
GC: 1 told you 1m go1ng to f1ght my d3n1z3n  
TG: 4nd  
GC: 1m not sur3 1f 1m do1ng th1s r1ght  
TG: oh whatever  
TG: none of us have any idea if were doing it right  
TG: i mean shit our session was like some punk ass smash and grab  
TG: stole the pimps car and shot up his bitches  
TG: driving the wrong way up 3rd ave poppin caps in cops asses like tomorrow aint never coming your way  
TG: cause shit it might not be  
TG: no one knows this shit  
TG: no one knows what the right thing to do is  
TG: you just find some shit and fuck it up  
GC: but 1m 4m suppos3d to know  
GC: th3 d3c1s1on  
GC: 1t 1s 3v3ryth1ng

  


GC: th3 cons1d3r4t1on, th3 b4l4nc3, th3 judg3m3nt, th3 d3c1s1on  
GC: th3s3 4r3 th3 th1ngs 1 h4v3 stud13d my whol3 l1f3  
GC: th3s3 4r3 th3 r3spons1b1l1t1es 1t 1s my duty to b34r  
GC: 4nd now 1ts fuck1ng f4ll1ng 4pp4rt 4nd 1 h4v3 no clu3 how 1m suppos3d to com3 to th3 r1ght d3c1s1on  
GC: 1 m34n th3 old p4r4m3t3rs 4r3 gon3 now  
GC: so 1f 1m fr34k1ng out 4 b1t w3ll 1m sorry 1 thought you m1ght 4t l34st h4v3 som3 1d34 wh4t 1m go1ng through  
GC: but 1 forgot th4t you’r3 4 g14nt 4ss  
GC: s11ly m3  
TG: fuck okay im sorry  
TG: i didnt  
TG: i do  
TG: i get it  
TG: you think youre letting her down

  


GC: 1 d1dn’t s4y th4t  
TG: i thought i was letting him down too

  


GC: oh  
TG: but idk ive had a lot of time on this shitty asteroid to think about things and  
TG: i dont think thats a thing that can happen  
TG: they did their best  
TG: i mean okay i ate ham and human tongue pickle a few times by accident but  
TG: sometimes love dont feel like it should

  


TG: i kinda know he did everything he could for me  
TG: and i did everything i could  
TG: just both our games are fucked and theres not much we can do about that  
TG: okay you’re doing the face again  
GC: 1  
GC: b3for3 1 4lw4ys kn3w wh4t th3 r1ght d3c1s1on w4s  
GC: 1t w4snt som3th1ng 1 h4d to th1nk 4bout too much  
GC: 1 w4s good 4t 1t  
GC: 4nd now th4t 4ssur4nc3 1s gon3  
GC: 1t 4lmost f33ls l1k3  
GC: sh3’s gon3  
GC: >:\  
TG: aww shes not gone  
TG: shes out there handing some radioactive imps their asses or something  
GC: 1 hop3 so.  
TG: fucking dead cert  
TG: i have excellent odds here at bets-a-go-go  
GC: th3r3’s 4 l3g3nd 4bout th3 dr4gon wh1ch gu4rd3d us both  
GC: th4t 4t th3 3nd of d4ys 1t would r1s3 up and s1gn4l th3 com1ng 4poc4lyps3  
TG: have i mentioned what a freaky-deaky planet you come from recently  
TG: because its decked out with fucking apocalypse dragons what the hell  
GC: 1 s4w 1t h4tch

  


GC: 1 s4w 1t r1s3 up 1nto th3 41r b3for3 b31ng brough b4ck down to 1ts d34th  
GC: 4nd th3 4poc4lyps3 c4m3  
GC: 1ts not just h3r 1’v3 lost  
GC: 1ts 3v3ryth1ng  
GC: my log1c, my r34son, my b4l4nc3  
GC: 1ts gon3, so how do 1 go forw4rd wh3n 1 dont know 4ny of th3 rul3s  
TG: to be honest with you im shooting blanks here  
TG: shit girl youll be fine  
TG: youre like a fine assed ninja all over this shit  
TG: you should see some of the dipshits youre trailing  
TG: one of them just cried on a rock till he got eaten  
GC: wh4t?  
GC: wh4t th3 fuck, who?  
TG: well he got spat back out again  
TG: sorta jump-started him into doing things actually  
TG: started shouting a lot hes doing okay but whatever  
TG: my point is  
TG: believe in me who believes in you  
TG: and hang on im getting your the code to alchemize a flame thrower  
TG: a flame thrower always makes me feel better when im about to do something incredibly stupid  
GC: so you th1nk th3 d3c1s1on 1 m4d3 1s stup1d?  
TG: sure it is  
TG: the other decision would be fucking suicidal so yeah ill take stupid over dead  
TG: stupid with a flamethrower  
TG: im tearing up in pride here  
TG: want to take you to fourth of july parade you round on some float  
GC: your3 r3f3r3n3s to 4l13n th1ngs 1 don’t und3rst4nd 1s ch4rm1ng 4s 3v3r but cod3 pl34s3?  
TG: utopia peace planet my ass  
TG: ill make a winner out of you yet pyrope  
GC: >:T

  


>PYROPE: TROLL YOUR PATRON HUMAN

GC: 4r3 you th3r3?  
GC: 1 n33d to t4lk to you  
GC: now  
GC: wh4t 1s t4k1ng you so long

  


GC: 4ll you lot do up th3r3 1s pl4y hum4n p4rch33s1 4nd compl41n 4bout your lov3 l1v3s  
GC: 1 know b3c4us3 th3 c4k3 on3 told m3  
TG: ok ok chill your pubescent chest bumps  
TG: im here  
TG: and we dont fuckin do any of those things oh my god  
TG: talks need to be had  
GC: th4t do3snt m4tt3r r1ght now  
GC: th3r3 1s som3th1ng 1ncr3d1bly 1mport4nt 1 n33d to t3ll you  
TG: wait werent you all like  
TG: in a cave for hours and hours  
TG: okay maybe we did play parcheesi at one point but you were gone so long  
GC: y3s w3 w3r3 1n th3 c4v3 now w3 4r3 out of th3 c4v3  
GC: 1m gl4d you follow m3 so f4r  
GC: 1n th3 c4v3 4 v3ry 1mport4nt conv3rs4t1on w4s h4d  
GC: som3 of th3 oth3rs dont th1nk w3 should t4lk to you 4bout th1s but you’r3 go1ng to f1nd out 4nyw4y so why not t3ll you  
GC: 4ft3r14ll 1t 4ff3cts you too

  


TG: what affects us  
GC: 1m g3tt1ng th3r3 h4ng on  
GC: so  
GC: 1n th3 c4v3 w3 w3r3 off3r3d 4 d34l  
GC: w3 c4n los3 our g4m3, wh1ch st4y1ng on th1s curr3nt cours3 1s 1n3vt1t4bl3  
TG: haha no kidding  
GC: or r3s3t th3 g4m3, som3th1ng c4ll3d th3 scr4tch, 4nd try 4g41n, th1s t1me b3tt3r pr3p4r3d  
TG: so whats the decision  
TG: start over fuck this shit  
TG: youre fucked if you dont  
GC: but w3 h4v3 no controll ov3r th3 r3s3t  
GC: 1f w3 chos3 to bow out now 4s w4s 1nt3nd3d no on3 3ls3 d13s  
GC: no on3 g3ts hurt  
TG: except your whole species is already wiped out did you miss that memo

  


TG: mine too if you need the update  
GC: th1s 1s tru3  
GC: th3 oth3rs 4r3  
GC: th3y’r3 look1ng to m3 for 4dv1c3  
GC: 1m not th3 l34d3r but 1 told you th3 rol3 trolls of my c4st3 p3form  
TG: yeah  
GC: so you s33 th4t 1 4m c4ll3d upon to c4st 4 jud3gm3nt  
TG: what do the rest of them think  
GC: th3r3 w3r3... m1x3d r34ct1ons  
GC: w3’v3 4ll b33n through 4 lot so f4r  
GC: th3r3 1s th3 op1n1on th4t 3nough 1s 3nough 4nd w3 should know wh3n to 4dm1t d3f34t  
GC: 4nd mor3 1mport4ntly not to 3nd4ng3r 4nyon3 3ls3  
TG: I guess  
TG: but you dont know what things will be like after the scratch  
TG: they could be better  
TG: if it lets you win the game youre saving your whole planet your whole race  
GC: 4s oth3rs h4v3 s41d  
GC: now 1t f4lls to m3 to hold 4ll th3s3 vo1c3s 4nd f1nd th3 b4l4nc3  
TG: what do you think?  
GC: 1t 1s 4 comp1c4t3d m1x of 3xt3m3 op1n1ons but  
TG: no i meant what do you personally think  
TG: what would you do  
GC: hon3stly?  
GC: 1 th1nk 1m t1r3d  
GC: 1 th1nk 1 dont w4nt to do th1s 4ny mor3  
GC: our soc13ty t4ught us th4t 3nd4ng3r1ng oth3rs w4s n3v3r r1ght  
GC: 4nd th3r3 w3r3 srt1ct pun1shm3nts for br34ch1ng th1s l4w  
GC: but  
TG: in the words of our friendleader  
TG: never give up blah blah strive on to a brighter tomorrow blah blah some shit like that  
TG: harley says a lot of dumb crap  
TG: but you know  
TG: he has a point  
GC: but c4n 1t r43lly b3 worth th3 r1sk?  
TG: okay ive got some more human advice coming up for your right now are you ready  
GC: p4lp1t4t1ng  
TG: sometimes you can make a bad ting good <http://i53.tinypic.com/2ai20jq.png>  
TG: okay twisting the words a bit but whatever my point stands  
TG: sometimes you gotta do something that dont look right to do the right thing

  


 

 

 

>DAVE: ANSWER YOUR WEIRDO PATRON TROLL  
>SHE’S BEEN CALLING FOR A WHILE DUDE

GC: 4BOUT FUCK1NG T1M3 GOD  
GC: R3PLY TO M3 F4ST3R N3XT T1M3 OR 1LL STOP SHOW3R1NG YOU W1TH MY 4RT1ST1C G1FTS  
GC: WH4T TH3N D4V3 WH4T TH3N  
GC: <http://i51.tinypic.com/2jebk2q.png>  
TG: okay this seems kind of familiar  
GC: WH4T 1 JUST M4D3 1T LOV1NGLY  
GC: H4ND CR4FT3D BY 4 BL1ND ORPH4N D4V3 DONT MOCK 1T  
TG: im not mocking it i just swear ive seen it before  
TG: and not even just this  
TG: suddenly ive come down with a wicked case of the deja vus  
TG: did you accidentally send me this one in the future in my past or something  
GC: HOW WOULD 1 KNOW  
GC: 1 JUST S3NT 1T TO YOU FOR TH3 F1RST T1M3  
GC: 1F YOU DONT W4NT MY PR3S3NTS JUST S4Y  
TG: tz dont make threats like that  
TG: i will always want your art  
TG: dont take all this beauty out of my life how will i cope  
GC: D4MN STR41GHT >:]  
TG: i dont know though this ones making laugh and vomit a bit at the same time  
TG: sometimes love dont feel like it should i guess  
GC: LOV3 >:?  
TG: the love that went into the picture  
TG: clearly  
TG: what else did you think i meant  
TG: okay fuck ive got to go some lizards eating my money  
GC: D4V3  
TG: catch you later  
TG: ollies outy

  
—- turntechGodhead [TG] has signed off —-

  



End file.
